Today, we will be taking a brief departure from our usual observations because I am finally ready to reveal a chart that I have spent years developing.
Years.
Some have questioned whether this was a sensible use of my time.
Those individuals have not been included in the acknowledgements.
My research examines the likelihood of certain animals successfully convincing humans that they are also humans simply by wearing a trench coat.
Before we begin, I would like to make my position very clear: I am not opposed to human-animal friendships.
Love is love, my human creatures.
If your closest friend is a raccoon, that is wonderful. If your social circle includes three raccoons, two possums and a committee of ferrets, I support you completely.
However, healthy friendships require two things:
Boundaries and honesty.
If you are three raccoons operating collectively inside one trench coat, you must disclose this arrangement before being given unsupervised access to somebody’s kitchen.
The problem is not that you are raccoons.
The problem is that you introduced yourselves as an accountant named Stephen.
The Scientific Criteria
Determining whether an animal can convincingly impersonate a human requires extensive observation, careful calculation and access to a variety of trench coats.
Each arrangement was assessed according to the following criteria:
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Can they reach approximately human height?
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Can they operate the buttons?
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Can they maintain structural stability while using stairs?
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Is the correct number of limbs visible?
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Can they respond naturally when asked what they do for work?
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Will they remain calm when somebody opens a nearby bin?
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Can they attend a dinner party without washing the bread rolls in another guest’s water?
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Does the trench coat conceal the animal, or is the animal simply wearing a coat?
That final distinction became important later.
Three Raccoons: 94% Plausible
Three raccoons remain the industry standard.
They are naturally skilled with their hands, comfortable working as a team and already possess the confidence of someone who has entered your property without permission.
The top raccoon handles conversation.
The middle raccoon operates the arms.
The bottom raccoon controls transportation and, as a result, holds a concerning amount of political power within the arrangement.
Their primary weakness is their inability to behave normally when a bin is left unattended.
Three raccoons may successfully convince a human that they are an accountant named Stephen for several weeks.
They should not be given your house keys during this period.
Two Possums: 81% Plausible
Two possums can achieve the correct general height and are most active during hours when humans are less observant.
This gives them a significant advantage.
However, possums are prone to panicking during unexpected questioning.
If you ask, “How was your weekend?” and your new friend immediately falls over and appears to die, further investigation may be required.
Please remain respectful.
They may still have had a difficult weekend.
A Committee of Ferrets: 73% Plausible
Ferrets have excellent flexibility and can fill a trench coat with surprising efficiency.
Their difficulty is governance.
Nobody knows which ferret is responsible for the arms. Meetings occur constantly. Decisions are overturned. At least one ferret will leave the formation without notifying the others.
A committee of ferrets can impersonate a human, but it cannot guarantee that the same number of ferrets will be inside the coat at the end of the evening.
Three Corgis: 68% Plausible
Three corgis have the confidence, teamwork and public popularity required for the role.
They are also accustomed to formal environments.
Unfortunately, the trench coat will be unusually wide near the bottom, and the entire arrangement will collapse the moment somebody says “walkies.”
Greg considers this a significant operational weakness.
Several Penguins: 57% Plausible
Penguins arrive already dressed for formal human events.
This demonstrates excellent preparation.
Their walking pattern, however, is suspicious.
Several penguins inside a trench coat may successfully attend a business meeting, provided they are not required to climb stairs, shake hands or explain why the conference room suddenly smells like fish.
Two Goats: 42% Plausible
Goats have confidence.
Possibly too much confidence.
They will enter the trench coat willingly and may even attempt to lead the conversation.
Unfortunately, one of the goats will eventually eat part of the disguise.
This makes long-term infiltration unlikely.
One Bear: 29% Plausible
A bear is already close to the correct shape, which appears promising.
The issue is that there is fundamentally too much bear.
The trench coat does not conceal the bear. It simply creates a professionally dressed bear.
This may still be appropriate for certain workplaces, but it does not qualify as a successful human impersonation.
An Octopus: 18% Plausible
An octopus has remarkable coordination and enough limbs to operate multiple buttons simultaneously.
However, a standard trench coat does not contain eight sleeves.
Attempts to add more sleeves only create additional questions.
The octopus was commended for effort and released from the study.
A Horse: 7% Plausible
There are immediate leg-related administrative concerns.
No further comment will be provided.
A Snake: 3% Plausible
No shoulders.
No structural plan.
Considerable enthusiasm.
A Flamingo: 1% Plausible
Greg can see the legs.
One Giraffe: 0% Plausible
A giraffe cannot successfully pretend to be a human in a trench coat.
The neck remains entirely visible.
Several individuals argued that the problem could be resolved with a longer trench coat.
These individuals are incorrect.
A longer trench coat does not make the giraffe look more human. It creates a giraffe wearing an unnecessarily expensive amount of fabric.
Greg refuses to participate in the pretence.
If a giraffe introduces itself as an accountant named Stephen, you do not need to conduct an investigation.
You may simply say:
“Mate. I can see your ossicones.”
Two Giraffes: –4% Plausible
This suggestion was an insult to the research.
Regarding Scientific Misinformation
Certain individuals are no longer permitted to provide opinions on this investigation.
This is not censorship.
Their opinions were considered, independently reviewed by Greg and found to be incorrect.
Allowing these individuals to continue spreading false information would create unnecessary confusion among the public.
One person claimed that a giraffe could pass as a human if everyone agreed not to look above the shoulders.
This person has lost their commenting privileges.
They may submit an appeal.
Greg will conduct the appeal.
Greg does not anticipate overturning Greg’s original decision.
Some have accused Greg of holding a grudge against those who failed to support his research.
This is also incorrect.
I do not hold grudges.
Holding things is difficult because I have very small arms.
I simply retain accurate historical information and mention it whenever it becomes contextually appropriate.
For example, certain individuals described this research as “unnecessary” and then ate two of the biscuits provided at the research meeting.
Their names have been recorded.
This is not a grudge.
It is documentation.
If Your Friend Is Three Raccoons
Discovering that your friend is three raccoons in a trench coat does not mean the friendship must end.
Remain calm.
Offer them three chairs.
Discuss your boundaries.
Confirm which raccoon currently has possession of your house keys.
Explain that snacks must be requested rather than acquired through coordinated distraction tactics.
The bottom raccoon must not make every decision simply because they control transportation.
If an argument begins inside the trench coat, the committee must adjourn until all three raccoons can communicate respectfully.
Most importantly, lock the pantry before negotiations begin.
Raccoons can be wonderful friends.
But friendship does not entitle anybody to your snacks.
Not even a committee.
Greg’s Final Ruling
Human-animal friendships are supported and encouraged.
However, all animals entering a friendship must accurately disclose:
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Their species
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The number of animals participating
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Their position inside the trench coat
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Any known interest in bins
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Any planned activity involving the pantry
Be yourself.
If you are one giraffe, be one giraffe.
If you are three raccoons, be three raccoons.
You may discover that the humans accept you exactly as you are.
They will simply provide three chairs and store their snacks somewhere more secure.
A trench coat can conceal many things.
It cannot conceal a giraffe.
Please stop submitting appeals.
— Greg
Percentages were independently verified by Greg. Greg is the independent verifier.
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