Before anyone becomes unnecessarily emotional, I would like to clarify that I have never kidnapped anybody.

I have teddy-napped several individuals, but that is an entirely different matter.

Firstly, they are teddy bears. Secondly, I always return them. And thirdly, if you had been providing them with sufficient outings and environmental enrichment, I would not have needed to intervene.

A Disturbing Discovery

During my observations of humans, I discovered something deeply concerning.

When humans are small, they take their teddy bears everywhere. Teddies attend breakfast, visit the shops, go on holidays and sleep beside their humans every night. Some are even granted important positions at tea parties.

It is a rich and varied life.

Then the human grows older.

Suddenly, the teddy is placed on a shelf.

At first, I assumed this was temporary. Perhaps the teddy was resting between expeditions.

But then a week passed.

Then a month.

Then several years.

The teddy remained in the same position, facing the same wall, beside a decorative candle that nobody is allowed to light.

This is not adequate enrichment.

Signs Your Teddy May Be Under-Enriched

Please observe your teddy carefully.

When was the last time they visited a café?

Have they ever seen the ocean?

Can they remember what a duck looks like?

Does their entire social circle consist of two books, a lamp and an ornamental cushion?

If you answered “I don’t know” to any of these questions, your teddy may require immediate intervention.

Teddy bears are naturally adventurous creatures. They enjoy picnics, road trips, botanical gardens and sitting near windows while dramatic weather occurs outside.

Some particularly confident teddies may also enjoy public transport.

“But Greg, I’m Too Old for a Teddy”

No.

You are not too old for a teddy.

Teddies are for everyone.

They do not expire when you become an adult. They do not become invalid when you begin paying taxes, booking your own appointments or developing strong opinions about air fryers.

Humans have invented a strange rule that says they must stop enjoying certain things once they reach a particular age.

I have inspected this rule.

It is not legally binding.

If your teddy makes you happy, keep them. If they make you feel safe, hold them. If you want to bring them on holiday and photograph them beside a suspiciously large roadside banana, you should do so immediately.

You are now old enough to organise the transport.

The Teddy Enrichment Program

If you are uncertain about how to enrich your teddy, I have prepared a basic care plan.

Your teddy may enjoy:

• Visiting a café and looking at a little cake

• Sitting in the passenger seat during a scenic drive

• Accompanying you on a picnic

• Observing ducks from a respectful distance

• Visiting a museum and learning about ancient spoons

• Going on holiday

• Selecting a small souvenir

• Being photographed beside a local landmark

• Sitting in your bag with their head poking out so they can observe the humans

Nervous teddies may remain inside the bag until they feel comfortable.

Please do not pressure them.

Regarding the Recent Incident

I recently encountered a teddy who had not left their human’s bedroom in eleven years.

Eleven.

Years.

The teddy had never attended brunch. They had never travelled on a train. They had not encountered a single duck.

Naturally, I took immediate action.

I borrowed the teddy and escorted them to a local café, where they observed a muffin. We then visited a park, inspected three trees and watched a small dog become extremely excited about a leaf.

The teddy was returned safely that afternoon with photographs, a souvenir and a written enrichment plan for their human.

This was not kidnapping.

It was teddy-napping.

More accurately, it was a temporary enrichment-based relocation.

No ransom was requested.

Consider This Your Warning

Let me be perfectly clear.

You are not too old for a teddy bear.

Take your teddy somewhere.

Take them to a café. Let them look out the car window. Bring them on holiday. Show them a duck.

Stop leaving them on shelves because you are worried somebody might think it is childish.

Teddies are for everyone, and they deserve to experience the world with their humans.

If you do not begin taking your teddy out for adequate enrichment, I will intervene.

I will locate the teddy.

I will take them somewhere scenic.

I will purchase them a little treat.

Then I will return them safely, along with photographic evidence of the enrichment you failed to provide.

This is not a threat.

It is advance notice of an inspection.

— Greg

Greg has been advised to clarify that he will not actually enter your home. His legal representative looked extremely tired.